Because they asked

I was single for a long time; I married late in life even for the “culture of the day,” and very late for the family-oriented homeschool community which so profoundly influenced my life. Single girls have asked me for insight into how best to serve God and what to do in days of singlehood. I don’t always have answers, but I do have words to answer one question.

How did you know when it was time to look - why did you finally get on Christian mingle?

I didn’t for a long time. I remember one pastor cautioning me to not be Abraham turning to Hagar, missing God’s plan and promises for one of my own. And I wanted to wait on the Lord. I had so many opportunities, a full and busy life with great privileges of serving God and others. There were times when I thought I might be content to be single in a ministry role forever; I thought I didn’t need a spouse to help me in my walk. And there were times when I absolutely was not content and wondered why God did not grant me a husband, home, and family.

I alternated in those seasons for many years, and never did I feel free to look. I let people talk of matching me up and I didn’t avoid opportunities; maybe I was a little embarrassed to look online. Mostly, I didn’t feel freed by the Spirit - I felt that if I went advertising my desire for marriage I would wind up with some warm body that was far less than God’s plan.

Then came a really hard season in my life. I wished I had a husband to support me through it, but felt unqualified to marry. It was a season that ended with total release and total restoration, not of good cheer, but of joy, of knowing that God was enough. That I might not want to be single in that place forever, but He would support me and I would be blessed if I were. More importantly for the question at hand, it was a season of realizing my own sin. I was saved as a child, and I’d had numerous “moments” with God acknowledging my helplessness and confessing my sins (specific ones!), but it was in this season that I came to realize the inherent sin saturating my humanity. I realized that no matter how hard I tried to address my problems, they would arise again. I realized how weak I was, how prone to self deception and justification of wrongdoing. And I cried out to God, acknowledging how much I needed Him; this was followed by a cry for a companion to walk with me, but this time it was not a demand.

And at this time, the online dating story began to unfold. I was a little nervous, but in no way did I feel I was leaving God’s will, refusing to be content where He had put me. In my mind, I was Rebekah, going out to meet the servant who’d take me to Isaac (OK, it’s a stretch, but…)

On this note, I will add one more word of wisdom (this is your cue to look suspicious). We communicated without meeting for almost four months, dated for almost  four months, and were engaged for almost four months. We lived miles apart for most of that time, and even after Seth moved nearby, he was almost like a guest, for his life wasn’t established where we were. I’ll be very blunt here and say I did not realize all of his shortcomings. Maybe I missed the clues, maybe it moved too fast, but I didn’t expect all the struggles we’ve had.

And he didn’t realize mine. As a matter of fact, I didn’t realize all of my shortcomings. I didn’t know the sides of me that would come out when life was out of my control or when I was tired. The fact that God had brought me to a point of acknowledging my own sinful sinfulness has allowed Him to bring us through it. I realize how very, very good God is when I look back at how He has worked to bring me a husband who is better to me and better for me than I could ever have dreamed.

I want to fix Seth, of course, but acknowledging my sin, my weakness, my helplessness allows me to let God do the work. think that everything I might have “nixed the relationship” over was hidden, so I could watch God grow and admire my husband’s heart more than I ever could have had he come to me “perfect.” And to do that, I had to realize my own role of dependence on the Savior.

That, my dear girls, is my word of wisdom. Don’t go husband hunting because you don’t know what to do with your life. Don’t go husband hunting because you think “I’m content so I’ll choose well.” Go husband hunting because you know God is enough and He has a plan for your life, but you need Him - and gives you peace to seek someone to walk with you toward Him.